Tether… End Of…

26 Jun 2016 96 Comments

by Ritu in Children, Family, Thoughts Opinions & Memories Tags: , , , , , , , ,

It’s not enough that the country is reeling with the results of the recent Referendum. Uncertainty sweeping the country.

I get stupid stuff happening at home too.

Those of you that know me, will have read about my struggles with one of my children.

Lil Princess.

I love that child, God do I love her, but she has been testing boundaries, and pushing limits way too far recently.

I have spent hours in conversation with Hubby Dearest, trying to work out what we are doing wrong, to no avail.

She can be a delightful little thing. Shes only 8 years old, how horrible can she be?

Well, it’s the aggression and frustration she displays that kills me. The attitude she shows which dumbfounds me. The rudeness which follows that shocks me.

I would never have been like that at all as a child growing up. I wouldn’t have dared to answer back to my parents.

But she does.

She shows no patience, and will not follow any instructions or requests to do anything, unless they are under her terms. She acts spoilt, expecting rewards for good behaviour, and get so stroppy if she doesn’t get what she wants.

The tightly clenched fists, the furrowed brows as she looks at me, the want to lash out, it is all there coursing through her. you can see it in her eyes. That anger. It scares me.

The other day, she had a particularly impressive tantrum, after I had asked her to stop roly-polying on the bed, in case she fell off and broke her neck. She went on my bedroom floor and continued, but there is not enough room to do gymnastic displays there either, so I had to ask her to stop again, and think about where she was before contorting herself into silly positions.

Cue her storming off, in a true huff, to her bed, and in a HUGE mood.

I tried to be gentle to no avail, ended up shouting at her and walking out of the bedroom.

Then I figured there must be something else bothering her. Maybe something at school, or even at home, that she is having issues with. So I went back, and tried to have a chat.

She shook her head, then nodded, blamed her moods on a little boy at school with whom she had had issues before. But I know it’s not that, this kid is not a concern anymore. As a teacher in her school, I get the inside info!

Nothing else was said, so I sent her off to bed with a goodnight kiss, and returned downstairs to Hubby Dearest.

Then it hit me like a hammer.

Maybe she has been missing quality time with us.

Yes I am with her every day, but it’s not time spent together.

Ever since I started teaching, my hours have got longer at school and I am back later than usual, so I pick the kids up from their grandparents, and its home, bath and bed. The weekends are filled with Lil Man’s training, and Lil Princess at Punjabi school (which she doesn’t like), then homework. The difference with the weekend activities, he is doing things he loves. She is being made to go somewhere she doesn’t really want to, and she finds it hard.

You may wonder why I don’t just take her out. Well, she has got used to getting her own way a lot, and we made a deal that she would try this for a year, as my in-laws feel very strongly about her starting to learn her home language too. And I also think it’s important to fulfil a commitment that you have made. There are a few weeks left, and I am pretty sure I won’t be sending her next year, but she will at least have finished this academic year.

Another thing which I feel is affecting not only my child, but other kids out there, is the pressure that they put on at school, from a very young age, and the fear of failure is running through them way before it should really be there. This, I really think, is another reason we have so many angst-filled kids, who have been labelled from a young age, so they are frustrated, and rebel.

So, I bandied the idea around. Maybe we need a Mummy-Daughter date. Some time, just the two of us, where we can talk and do girlie things, get dinner, go (window) shopping, and just chill.

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It was a lovely evening. We shopped for her brother’s birthday present and had dinner out.

Was it enough to start seeing a turn in her attitude?

She was still unable to answer a question without irritation the next day.

And today I think the icing was definitely piped on this particular cake.

We are packing for my Lil Man to go on his first school residential trip and we popped in to my in-laws house so he could say bye to them. It was going to be a flying visit, as they both had wanted to stay at home, chilling.

When I got up and told the kids to get ready to go, she started playing up. Wanting to stay longer, and generally making life very hard for me. The things she was saying were contradicting all I had been speaking to my in-laws about, and making me look like I was lying about things, like I was forcing her to do something she didn’t want to. I can’t go into details but she knew what she was doing, and that hurt.

It didn’t help that Hubby Dearest walked in part way, no knowing what was happening. He just said to leave her there, and that he would bring her home when he came back.

So I did. I got Lil Man, and we went home. I ended up messaging a long diatribe to Hubby Dearest, telling him he needs to have a long hard chat with his precious, as I feel like I failed as a parent.

Spending time with her, behaviour charts and rewards, being patient, being strict, nothing worked. I give her everything, I give her love, but it is never enough.

I cried. I cried hard. Lil Man cuddled up next to me. I know it was wrong to show this in front of him, but I was broken.  I couldn’t fix myself.

We just cuddled on my bed and I ended up asleep.

Soon the rest of the family arrived home, and I was woken up by a child with a bunch of flowers.

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Will it make things better? I don’t know. But at least for now, she was given some awareness from her dad, how much she has hurt mummy, and how her behaviour needs to change.

We have a week together, well a few days, while Lil Man disappears for his trip. I can only hope this time together without her brother, will be a good time, for her to spend with us, getting our full attention, not sharing it with him. She always thinks that she got the short straw, being the second child, because he got us for nearly 3 years, with no ‘competition’ whereas since she was born, she has had to share us!

Ok, I am now going to stop. This is meant to be a positive blog!

I’m smiling again now! And so far, so is she….!

 

96 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. A Muslim Latina
    Jul 01, 2016 @ 18:54:17

    So sorry your going through this… as the baby of my family, do you think maybe she might be acting out because her brother is leaving for an “adventure” he cannot share with her? I know sometimes I acted out when my older sisters went through a new phase of their lives because I couldn’t, I had to wait.

    Sorry I don’t have kids so I can’t talk as a parent only as a child. I’m sure things will come back to normal you have great kids.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  2. Thumbup
    Jun 29, 2016 @ 16:16:54

    Sounds like what I have been doing to my mother.
    OH! Poor mom!
    And you too.
    Hang in there.
    .

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  3. Bee Halton
    Jun 29, 2016 @ 15:53:15

    I am “just” a step parent and have no kids of my own but maybe she is suffering more than you are aware and she needs a regulate “mother-daughter” date before she can relax.

    You are a great patent as much as I can see from afar and she knows that and loves you. But a child’s mind and soul sometimes walk difficult paths.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  4. Sacha Black
    Jun 29, 2016 @ 10:29:22

    ack hun, kids are so hard. We’re exhausted at home too, its constant tantrums, everything is an issue, and I’m exhausted listening to the shrieking. I hope things perk up, the flowers are cute maybe it signals a change 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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  5. charlypriest
    Jun 29, 2016 @ 07:26:37

    Come on, you are a soft mommy, the kids acts out then just smack her in the butt, and you said the preassure they put them in school? You kidding me… as a matter of fact the millenium generation are a bunch of pussies, as you well know, life is tough so toughen up and as early you do it the better you are going to deal with life. I should be a dad, that was quite the advice. I actuallly still remember on of my fathers sayings, he always had some words when I was growing up so here it is one of his sayings ” at the end of the day you are alone”, so basically telling me to toughen up, life is hard, and that I will have to make my own way. My mother disagrees with that phrase though, but I actually have found it quite usefull, I´m alive aren´t I?

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Ritu
      Jun 29, 2016 @ 07:34:42

      Unfortunately you are not here in the the UK, in the education works to realize exactly what pressure I’m talking about.
      Yes there was that whole don’t be negative to the kids, no losers thing… But the assessment has become ridiculous. Kids can’t be kids anymore…
      And I am not soft, at all…
      But I won’t hit my kids…

      Like

      Reply

  6. Rajiv
    Jun 28, 2016 @ 11:04:28

    She is 8? Don’t worry. Just 11 years of aggression left

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  7. D. Wallace Peach
    Jun 27, 2016 @ 15:42:44

    It’s all part of growing up for those little ones, and it’s so tough on the parents. I hope your time without her brother is fun and peaceful. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  8. Lisa A.
    Jun 27, 2016 @ 15:12:25

    I have no idea what it’s like to raise a little girl but… I know me and my sister were a handful. Lol. My son was sometimes a brat at your daughter’s age. I yelled at him and punished him when he acted up. He didn’t like for me to take away the TV or tablet. He would start behaving when I took away things he likes. Lately, he’s been staying with my grandparents a lot since he’s off from school. I’m sure it’s a phase she’s going through. You’re a good mom, Ritu. I’m sure things will get better with you and her.

    Liked by 1 person

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  9. susieshy45
    Jun 27, 2016 @ 03:11:24

    Ritu,
    If this is any comfort.
    I have two daughters- with the first I had a lot of trouble especially from her 13th to her 16th year, till when she left us to go to college. It was more a not sharing with mom phase- will not talk to mom- my friends are so cool- my parents and especially mom are so uncool and so on. She had some boy troubles too and sometimes I used to wonder if she did not really enjoy the attention she got from that front. We come from a culture where having boyfriends before a time is not encouraged. It was a hard time. The phase went on till her final year in college, when I noticed, she had suddenly turned over, if I may put it that way. Now she is my darling little daughter again and so docile and sweet. All I can say is just wait patiently. As you mentioned it yourself, it is all the pressure from school and our own expectations and peer pressure that make her feel that perhaps she does not belong anywhere but the only place she can show her real true self is to you, the only person she trusts in the world. Anyone else would judge her, or so she thinks. So I think you need to just keep quiet for a while and let her have her say and her do-es. Let her tantrum all she wants, until she gets tired. Let her do whatever she wants when she is at home. One day she will give up and come back to you with her hands all out in front of her. BTW, it could be hormones too.
    Praying for you, Ritu.
    Susie

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Ritu
      Jun 27, 2016 @ 07:05:34

      Thank you Susue. Your words are comforting.
      I just wish I could take away that aggression… I feel it’s taking over her childhood!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      • susieshy45
        Jun 27, 2016 @ 09:01:11

        Maybe a couple of hugs and a few kisses, on her head and just cooking something with her or playing a game with her or painting something with her or reading her a story. Just some mummy and me time. I am currently having problems with my 16 year old too- she started late- just this year and this could go on till she is 21- so there you have it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ritu
        Jun 27, 2016 @ 12:06:25

        Good luck to you too as well then!!!

        Like

  10. Fourth Generation Farmgirl
    Jun 27, 2016 @ 02:54:51

    Thinking of you, Ritu. 💛

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  11. Tim Taylor
    Jun 27, 2016 @ 02:50:58

    When you said you would have never acted out like that with your mom, it nade me think about me and my mom growin’ up. If I said or did even half the stuff that my lilman does to my momma, I might have woke up in a couple hours with half my behind missin’ and the other half on fire.

    I don’t know what it is about kids these days, it seems like the more you try the meaner they get. It’s as if they have no fear of anything, at least not like I did when I was 6.

    All we can do is just keep on tryin’ and doin’ our best, and just hope it’s enough.

    Liked by 1 person

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  12. amommasview
    Jun 27, 2016 @ 01:04:00

    Not an easy situation to be in. Something is clearly bothering her. One thing stood out for me reading your post (if I may…). You mentioned that it was sort of not okay to show your emotions in front of your son. I kind of disagree. I think it’s important that our kids see that we have emotions too. That we too can be sad. That we cry as well and even that they can make us cry. Maybe it would have been a little eye opener to your daughter.

    If you would sit here with my now and have a cup of coffee I would ask you how you had planned your mommy daughter day? You said you went shopping for Lil Man’s birthday present? Did you do a mommy daughter thing too or did you shop for the present? Because if the issue is really that she thinks she’s not getting enough attention from you then shopping for his present might have made her feel sour again. Maybe in her eyes it suddenly wasn’t about the two of you but about him. So her mommy daughter day that she might have craved for so much suddenly turned into a shopping trip for her brother (just seeing it from her point of view…). For us adults this of course doesn’t make sense. We know that we just took care of something that had to be done and maybe we think it’s fun for the kids to buy presents for each other (which in most cases it is). But if she is really mad because she feels she doesn’t get as much time from you as she needs, she might see it differently.

    If we would have coffee together I would suggest that you sit down with her and find out what she would like to do on your next mommy daughter day. Try to make it a regular thing. I would also try to have a chat with her in regards to the Punjabi school. I would explain to her that you realize she’s not happy and that you just want her to finish this school year. Then I would ask her what she would like to do next year instead (activity like Lil Man). I realize that you said she’s getting her way lately but you can make it about getting your way here. Your way is she finishes the year and she needs to behave better. Her way is that she will be allowed to pick an activity she would love to do which she can start in the next school year. A little give and take action…

    But hey, their your kids, you know them and it has to work for you guys. I just feel your pain and sometimes it’s easier to see things when you are not involved.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    • Ritu
      Jun 27, 2016 @ 07:01:40

      Thank you Sandra. I know everything you said makes a lot of sense.
      This was a last minute plan so it wasn’t as well organized as I wanted but next time it will be all about her!
      We have talked about Punjabi school many times. But she’s of the ilk that want everything NOW and I need to teach her patience too!
      I know we’ll get there… It’s just a Ricky road at the moment… 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  13. vanbytheriver
    Jun 27, 2016 @ 00:41:49

    She is challenging you, that’s just what daughters do. It seems to be happening at a younger age…the difficult years used to be as teens. You care, you love her, she’ll understand this one day and appreciate you for it. Hang in there, Ritu. It gets better, and be glad for her strength of will, it will benefit her in life in so many ways. 💕

    Liked by 2 people

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    • Ritu
      Jun 27, 2016 @ 06:58:53

      Oh I know Van but you know how it’s like, sometimes it all gets on top of you, and you feel awful… But maybe she’ll come out if it sooner too, if she’s entered this era early!!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  14. sheldonk2014
    Jun 27, 2016 @ 00:09:49

    I had it with my daughter
    Thank god she grew out of it
    It took a lot of work
    It was coming from school
    She wasn’t getting what she needed
    We had to take her out and put her in private school
    She did a 360 turn around
    Being a parent is never easy
    Most of the time there’s smoke coming out of my ears
    My daughter is high maintenance
    You constantly have to give her stuff to do
    God I could go on for ever
    Just stay at it Ritu
    You know what to do
    Be patient
    The Sheldon Perspective

    Liked by 2 people

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  15. Miriam
    Jun 26, 2016 @ 22:58:37

    It’s hard, there’s no doubt about it and things do seem to be different these days. There’s no way I would’ve got away with answering back to my parents. Maybe we’re too soft. I’ve had issues with my now 15yo son. He’s alwsys been prone to moodiness, temper tantrums and anxiety and used to sometimes want to pull my hair out in frustration. He seems to be getting better as he’s maturing but it’s still taken effort. Lots of listening, talking setting boundaries and being patient. You’ll get there with her. Be strong.

    Liked by 1 person

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  16. pranabaxom
    Jun 26, 2016 @ 22:36:57

    You cried and you sign-off as “I smileanyway”. Hypocrite😀

    Survived three and you will too. Very soon it will be time to fly the coop and you will be crying again.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  17. kritsayvonne
    Jun 26, 2016 @ 22:36:47

    Bravo! That must have been hard to write. So many people will feel empathy with you. It is probably a phase that will be replaced by another lurch on the parental roller coaster. x

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Ritu
      Jun 26, 2016 @ 22:48:50

      A roller coaster that you never truly step off though eh! Thank you.
      It was quite therapeutic to write, in the end. Made me feel calmer. See this is why I like to write!!!!
      I hope it’s a phase that calms down soon… But OMG she’ll start getting hormonal!!! 😳

      Like

      Reply

  18. incahootswithmuddyboots
    Jun 26, 2016 @ 22:20:32

    From the time our boys were toddlers, my husband and I would each take one for “special” time once a week for a couple of hours. The next time we’d switch, so they would get alone time with the other parent as well. We kept it up through the teen years which was nice. Now they are 26 and 28, and I still meet them one on one for coffee or lunch, just not as often.
    I do believe that kids today have it harder because of all the expectations society puts on them at a much younger age! Combine that with a spirited little girl like yours and you’re bound to have some tough times. Focusing on all the things she does well and giving positive feedback while trying to ignore the negative things she does might help too. I’ve been there!
    This too shall pass! 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  19. Shadeau
    Jun 26, 2016 @ 21:54:36

    Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. I chose not to be a mother because, being the eldest of 6, I could see it was a very difficult job–with much heartache. I pray that things will smooth out–whatever it is that’s troubling your daughter–it could just be a temporary phase. You are so right, though, about the pressure on kids to “succeed” in every way–I remember that from when I was growing up too. God bless you and your family 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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  20. willowdot21
    Jun 26, 2016 @ 21:37:07

    Bringing up children is so difficult, I really do empathize. I had three boys so I have no comprehension of what it is like to have a little princess! My eldest boy was what would be termed a handful…. possibly on the attention deficiency scale.. but it was not a recognized thing then, my middle lad is dyslexic and the youngest was bits of both.
    It is hard and my heart bleeds for you but you are not alone honestly I cried a million tears so all I can do is send you a huge hug and say that she will turn out beautifully, how could she not with a clever mum like you.
    My lads are all grown and flown with jobs and homes of their own I even have a grandchild!! xxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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  21. Erika Kind
    Jun 26, 2016 @ 21:34:53

    Oh, Sis, you have no idea how well I hear you! How often did I cry in the evening when I felt like failing over failing over failing! Just today we were all invited for dinner in a restaurant. Friends were visiting and my mom invited us all. Also my daughter and her boyfriend. At some point, we came to that discussion about the fights we had. How we were screaming at one another…. and we were laughing hard about it… today! It wasn’t funny back then, but my daughter and I have an amazing relationship and she turned out as an amazing young woman, with self-confidence and self-esteem. Her strong will was necessary to be that strong person who knows what she wants and who goes for it. It all makes sense today. The struggles are normal most of all between daughters and mothers. It is so heartbreaking at times but in the end, it will turn out well. She is a strong spirit and she will make it in life for sure.
    Btw. When my daughter was 11 we too started having mother/daughter dates once a month. We went out for dinner, had movie nights, went to concerts (once the Chippendale’s… lol… but then she was already older… haha), or we had video nights. I started this because of the same reason, for not losing contact and that she stays open when things are getting rough in her young life.
    Ritu, you are a wonderful mom. You are caring with all your heart and that makes it so tough for you… because you care. What more can a child want? Some periods are so hard but you (like your daughter) learn so much for yourself through them. You both will grow even stronger together. Because these situations are bonding. Your daughter feels so strongly that she matters. It will all be well, Sis! 💖

    Liked by 2 people

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  22. Leanne
    Jun 26, 2016 @ 20:20:32

    My best possible guess is her school and what other shows or behaviors she’s exposed to, something’s bound to be for show (that happens to me a lot with my high school students). I’ve also had the 9-year-old boy who I babysit for a couple years now, start not doing what I tell him to do. Since you are the parent, you have the authority to tell her what’s OK and what’s not OK. Like you, I wasn’t raised to back-talk and if I did, I would get smacked back in to my place. I’m not suggesting this is what you do, but maybe ask your parents and your in-laws about the possible courses of actions they would’ve taken if you or your hubby acted like this.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Ritu
      Jun 26, 2016 @ 20:25:41

      Oh they always say we need to rein her in somehow, but I think kids nowadays are a different kettle of fish to us when we were younger!
      Here’s hoping some days with her alone will be a taster of better times to come!
      I do think there is an element of trying to be ‘cool’ too though, you’re right 🙂

      Like

      Reply

      • Leanne
        Jun 26, 2016 @ 20:28:11

        I don’t see why she has to be “cool” in front of parents; parents are supposed to be “uncool” even though parents know they’re super cool. I think you need to go to the root of who she has been emulating and put a stop to it. Good luck!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ritu
        Jun 26, 2016 @ 20:30:00

        I have been speaking to her class teacher… if there is something there, we will find the root cause. Thank you! 🙂

        Like

  23. Judy Martin
    Jun 26, 2016 @ 20:14:26

    Oh, Ritu. I can totally relate to this. I have been through all of that with my daughter too. It can be so hurtful I know, and even more so as you don’t bring them up to act rude or spoilt, My daughter as you know, has Asperger’s and there is no reasoning with her at times, plus she says what she thinks, which breaks my heart at times. However, I always aim to start each day afresh and try to be positive. Maybe Lil Princess will benefit from some more time with you when Lil Man goes away.It is so hard to know what they want sometimes ,as nothing is right!
    Keep your chin up Sis, and you know I am always here if you need me!
    🙂

    Liked by 3 people

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  24. Ruth
    Jun 26, 2016 @ 20:11:28

    Being a parent is bloody hard work, sending lots of hugs and keep smiling! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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