We had a bit of a situation today, and it made me realise how little those with mental health issues are helped., and how little we can do to help…
The two bungalows next door to us are disability bungalows, and the residents are located there by the council and local health officials for safekeeping. We are in a cul-de-sac, so there is not a lot of through traffic, and as a small community, we tend to look out for each other. One bungalow houses a man with physical disabilities, and he is lovely, always out on his motability scooter, and we see a lot of people who come and see him, whether they are visitors or health officials, I don’t know, but he is happy.
The bungalow directly next door to us is home to an English couple who have been there for years. They both suffer from mental health issues, the lady more severely than her husband.
We were not aware of their difficulties until a few months after we moved into this house. I remember coming home from school with the kids, and we were waiting for Hubby Dearest to get back from work. It had started raining too. At around 7pm I saw his car pull up, but he didn’t come in. After about 10 minutes, I started to worry, and he wasn’t answering his phone.
When he did finally get in the house, he was soaking wet. And he looked troubled.
My Hubby Dearest is a very sensitive person, and he tends to take any troublesome situations to heart. He explained that when he got here, he saw our neighbour running down the road in her nightie, in the rain, screaming “He’s going to attack me! I need to get away!” his immediate reaction was to get her covered up, as she was sodden. She was in such a state, and he didn’t know what to do. Obviously, we didn’t know her situation was at this time, but the worry was ‘who was trying to attack her?’
Another neighbour of ours, who had been in the area for a while, came out. She appeared to be familiar with the situation, and she said she would take her in for now, and call her health worker. Apparently it happened regularly, and she was not being attacked, she just got the thought in her head.
Well, that started a ball rolling for us. Over the years, we have become accustomed to her coming over, either to say hello, or to tell us she is not well, and that she needs help. She has come to us in sheer panic, in tears, as a messenger for her husband… in all situations.
The thing is we don’t know exactly what her, or her husband’s condition is. She always talks about the voices in her head telling her to do things. And her husband, well, he doesn’t go out much, or talk much either. But I know he gets angry and complains of hearing things all the time.
It got to the stage where our kids were scared to play in their own garden, in the summer, as after a while we would get a knock on the door from her, to say he was complaining about noise. Now kids will be kids, but even so, they aren’t that noisy, yet still, we had to ask them to be careful, quiet and considerate while playing, and for 2 children under 10, that’s a pretty big ask! One day they were playing, nicely, I must add, and Hubby Dearest was outside. Suddenly, there was a bellow from the next garden, then someone plunged a broom handle through the fence!
Scared the beJesus out of all who were outside! The kids ran in, and Hubby Dearest was fuming! How dare someone, even someone who has trouble controlling himself, scare our kids like that, unprovoked!
He went over, and had quite a long chat with the guy, who apologized, and said he didn’t know what came over him.
Do they get any help? Well we have seen her go in and out of hospital, when things have got too much, but I don’t recall seeing anyone coming regularly, to check up on them. She tells me the men in her head say she shouldn’t take the tablets. So she doesn’t. Then she starts to get worse. Her visits to us, all flustered, get more regular. I try and sit with her, over a cup of tea, and encourage her to try and ignore the voices, but I am no mental health expert…
Lil Man is terrified of her. Lil Princess is intrigued. He runs up to his bedroom if he hears her knocking on our door. She just stares at her.
Off on a little tangent, but you know the whole seven degrees of separation thing? Well, ironic, but we have a connection to her, through family now too! One day a few years back, we spotted Hubby Dearest’s cousin on our road. Odd as this is not a through road, and he wasn’t coming to see us. He lived in Spain with his family. We all had a lovely chat, and asked how come he was in the neighbourhood, and he mentioned that they were there to visit his wife’s sister. She is English, and guess who her sister was? Our disturbed neighbour! So after finding that out, we feel a bit more of a pull to make sure she is ok.
Today, I was having a little nap. My head was pounding, and Hubby Dearest had been keeping the kids occupied downstairs. All of a sudden, at 5.15pm, I heard a banging. I knew it would be her. She is the only one who doesn’t use the bell, she just bangs incessantly, until we open the door. But when he opened it, I could hear her shouting, and screaming. Things were bad again. She was out in extreme cold weather with no coat or anything, with a chest infection, but no concern over her health.
The kids, my son especially, were cowering in the living room, she was wailing at the door, saying she wanted to come in, “Someone let me in, I can’t go home, I need help!”
Well, Hubby took her back to her house, and I sat with the kids, calming them down, and explaining how unfortunately not all of us are lucky enough to be able to process our thoughts in the usual manner, and that she wasn’t there to harm us, but she sometimes needed help to settle herself down once she got worked up.
A moment later Hubby Dearest was back, with her in tow. He said to keep the kids there in the living room, and that he would take her into the kitchen, and give her a cup of tea. Apparently her husband wouldn’t open the door to her.
He was phoning the ‘Crisis Team’ who deal with her case. They were really no help at all, but they are the only people she can turn to. They said they would ring her husband and make him open the door, and that was it. So after a cup of tea, and me sitting with her too, we finally managed to get her home, and settled.
Meanwhile, my son is so disturbed, as he never sees her in a ‘normal’ light, and her husband has terrified him with the garden incident. He asked me today if we could leave this house, and move away. Or can he go and live with his grandparents. I know this is really playing on his mind, as, if he has a choice, he would rather be here than there to stay over.
Hubby Dearest called the Crisis Team again, once he had delivered our neighbour home, to state his concern over her health, and the fact that it seems like no one does anything to actually help her and her husband. This, teamed with the fact that their behaviour has affected our children, means we have reason to worry for them.
Apparently, there is nothing they can do… until she hurts herself, or someone.
REALLY??!! They can see she is not well, there are ample witnesses to the fact she can be a danger to herself. In fact she has hurt herself in the past, and said ‘they’ told her to do it. What more do they want to happen before someone actions help for her? She really needs to be in a gated community, with the freedom to do what she wants, alongside her husband, but with the added reassurance that there is someone around, 24/7, in case relapses occur.
Actually, I don’t know what is the right thing… I am not a professional in these matters, but as I said at the beginning, I really feel helpless. I want her to be safe, and not banging on my door, scaring the kids. I want her to be happy, and my kids to feel secure.
I want things changed for her, and my family.
But I am helpless….
