I’ve already told you about my own parents, Hubby Dearest, my little monsters, my brother and mentioned my new nephew. SO the next in the roll call of my family is Hubby Dearest’s family, my In-laws.
Some people have real issues with their in-laws, but I can honestly say, I have been really lucky for the best part. Growing up in a typical Indian family, with a huge extended family myself, I saw many weddings, familiar faces leaving us, and new faces joining. As a girl, in the teenage years it was regularly mentioned that when we got married, we would need to know this, and that, and that we would leave our homes as we know them to a new family. It was a scary prospect, as I am so close to my own family, but something I knew would happen.
The time came. Hubby Dearest and I met. It was a love marriage. We fell in love at university, and it was a quiet relief for both of us, that yes, we were Sikh, and of the same caste. ( I know that is not important, a discussion for another time perhaps, but still, it was another positive for our relationship.) One thing that was not quite a sticking point, but something unfamiliar, for me at least was that his family were proper Indian.
What’s a proper Indian? Ok, well, this is as I feel it. My ancestral family, though Indian by heritage, had a long stint in Kenya, resulting in both my parents being born there, then moving to the UK after marriage. Most Kenyan Indians, have a more modern attitude to life, more adaptable. I guess, after having to adjust from India to Africa, which was a huge change, the UK was no biggie! Whereas Hubby Dearests family were from India. Both his parents had been born there, and came here, and his brother and he were born here. There is usually a lot of old fashioned ‘back home’ thinking in many families.
What would it be like, living with them? I mean they even talked differently! My Punjabi has a softness to it, almost akin to Urdu, but the proper Punjabi, the village Punjabi, makes event the most endearing comments sound like you are picking a fight! We litter our Punjabi with Swahili, and I was even unaware of the correct words in Punjabi for many things!
When our parents were first introduced to each other, it was a funny meeting, held in Hubby Dearest’s university digs. They weren’t sure what to talk about. My father had no clue about India, my father-in-law- to be had no inkling of what to say about Kenya… they discussed the weather. Well, at least they were talking! The two of us made tea, and giggled in the kitchen!
After that meeting, it appeared that though there were a lot of differences, there were many, many similarities. Both our parents had the same morals, and thinking and wanted the same for their children. They saw how much we loved each other, and, despite the fact that I was older, wedding plans commenced.
Over the couple of years before the actual wedding I was given so much advice. What to do, how to act, what to say. One person’s words, who I met shortly before the wedding, stuck with me, and to this day, I even say the same to other girls.
It’s traditional for us to live with the family once we get married. Yes, things are changing, there are many who don’t nowadays, choosing to start their lives as a couple, rather than within the extended family. Sometimes its due to work commitments, or just because a girl knows she won’t be able to live with ‘the in-laws!’ For me, it was a forgone conclusion. I would be moving in with Hubby Dearest, and his family. This person who I spoke about previously told me of her own aunt. She had lived in India, and got married there. for over 15 years she wasn’t allowed to visit her own family, but she carried on regardless, respecting her in-laws, doing as they say, and finally someone relented and allowed her to go home to visit. The lady said to me that yes, this was very extreme but the key thing… “The other name for marriage is compromise.” And honestly, this is so true. I know I was going into a very different family, but went into my marriage willing to change a lot, in order to fit in, but I didn’t want to lose ‘me’ either. I would hopefully change them too, with love.
And so, it started. After the wedding, once the honeymoon period was over, there were many things that were SO different! Not least the fact that this house had not had a female other than my mother-in-law, living in it for over 10-15 years! Silly things, from décor, to how my mother-in-law (or MIL, as I will refer to her from now on) cooked, but slowly we started to gel.
I got lucky, I have to say. MIL is fantastic! We had a few times where we might not have seen eye to eye, but, after talking things through, we reached a happy medium. We’ve never been the types to argue. MIL is very reserved, and I am one who cannot keep quiet. I hate a quiet room, needing to fill it with conversation. When something is bothering her, I ask, indirectly, and manage to get to the bottom of things. We have a laugh, she tells me stories from the family past.
Someone I know would always try to wind me up, questioning why we were living with them. Wouldn’t I prefer to be in my own place, able to do what I wanted, come and go as I please, but to be frank, no. We lived in a lovely house, shared all responsibilities, from housework, to financial. I felt like I had really got to know my new family, living with them. I was not a guest, or newbie, but part of the family. Ok, so I couldn’t run down the corridor half naked, but I think I could contain myself!
MIL was a rock when the kids were born. We were still living all together at that time, and sleepless nights are always tough, but when I had had enough, I couldn’t physically do any more, she was never annoyed when I knocked in her door. In fact she loved it! She relished every moment of those middle of the night grandma moments! The first few weeks, I wouldn’t be allowed out of my bed, left to tend to my new baby, while she cleaned the house, shopped, and cooked. I was even given meals in bed!
As the kids grew up, she has, along with my own mum, been a fountain of knowledge, full of tips with regards to them.
And my father-in-law (FIL)… A hard working man, who had always done his level best to work so hard to give his family all he could. FIL wasn’t educated, but he came over from India and worked his fingers to the bone, until he retired so his family had a roof over their head, and food on the table. He hardly spent much time with his own kids, as he was out on 12-14 hour shifts. When I joined the family, it was a real change for him… Oh My God! A GIRL in the house!! But he managed to adjust, and I know he loves me like a daughter. When my son was 1 he suffered a heart attack and this resulted in surgery. Subsequently, he had to take retirement. This meant that he was able to give the time he never could to his own boys, to his grandchildren. In fact Lil Princess was born on his birthday, so there’s an extra special bond! He’s always been there as support too, when in any financial straits, or to give advice, and we thank him for it.
Hubby Dearest has an older brother,so after marriage, so did I! A lovely teddy bear of a guy, who is such a softy. We have got on since the beginning!
The time came to move out, when my BIL was getting married. We’re not far from them so it wasn’t too bad, but it has been nice, having space, especially now that we have the kids. We still go there more or less every day, after school. MIL loves to cook, so the kids get their fill of indian food at least 4 nights a week (and I don’t have to cook!). When we want to go out, we have babysitters on call, more or less whenever we need too!
And since BIL got married, I have also acquired a big sister. My sister-in-law (SIL) and I are very different people, but we get on great! And now she has taken up the mantle of daughter-in-law in situ. No kids yet though, so my two are thoroughly spoilt from all angles!
They might be different to my family, but they are just as special. And I have something so amazing to thank them for… I wouldn’t have my Hubby Dearest if they weren’t who they were, and we wouldn’t have these two crazy monsters either!
For my MIL
Equally, my Hubby Dearest has also acquired his own set of in-laws.. I can’t comment on what he thinks of them though! Well, actually, I can… he loves my mum and pops, brother and sister-in-law, and our new nephew like his own family, the extended one.. yup he loves em too, but I think when we are all together, it is overwhelming, as there are rather a lot of us, and everyone is just slightly doo lally!
So yes, I do think I landed on my feet when I married ‘im indoors, with regards to his family, as well as him! There’s not too much interference, but support is always there, and I go and spend time with them not because I HAVE to, but because I want to. I only hope I can take, from them, the wisdom they have used, as in-laws, and be the same, towards my own children’s spouses, when the time comes, but that is far Far FAR away yet!
Sage advice for any prospective in-laws nowadays, I think!
But I Smile Anyway... 