It was an innocent comment on my post Being Mum, that Rajiv Chopra, that inspired me to think like a man for once… Ok, so you all know I have a bit of a habit of dressing up, and I have also gone down the route of dressing up as the hairier sex of the species on occasion, but I have never really put myself in their shoes…at least not by thinking like, perhaps how a new father might feel… So here goes…

God, it’s not so much fun, is it, when you have to perform on command? She said tonight was a good night, but to be honest, I’ve had a couple of beers, and I’m not sure it’s a good night… for me anyway. The last time I tried to be a little amorous, she was like “No! My eggs aren’t ready yet, but in a couple of days we can…” It really takes the fun out of baby-making! Surely we just need to keep ‘having a go’ and we’ll get lucky soon enough.
But, you know, it breaks my heart, seeing her every time those damn tests come back negative. I don’t know how to get her to chill out… I know it’ll happen… I know it will. Our time will come.  It hurts me too, you know, somewhere deep inside, but I don’t show it because she gets so cut up, one of us has to be strong…
A few months later…
Ok so it happened… Jeez!!! I’m going to be a father!!! Whoa!! God, that happened quicker than I though… But hey, I always knew it would… I was starting to worry, maybe I’d been firing blanks. But no! It’s all good!!!!
Nearing the end of the pregnancy…
Wow! I wish this baby would just come, already! We had the couple of months of sickness, in fact even I made her sick at times. Apparently I can’t eat curry.  The smell made her gag! I’ve become an expert at back rubs, foot rubs, belly cradling. The guy at the 24 hour garage knows me by name. Well, where else do I go, for that odd craving for Twiglets, at 3am??!!
She was tired… God was she tired, at the beginning, but then she got this burst of energy, and how do I put it… She got a bit randy! But I was a bit tentative in my advances.. I mean, come on! My baby’s somewhere down there!!! I don’t want to hit it!
Taking of baby, the scan. Seriously, if there is a time a grown man should get emotional, it’s seeing that little swimmer of yours, turned into a real live, wriggly thing that’s eventually gonna become a baby. I was pretty strong the first time round. To be honest, I couldn’t make head nor tail of what the sonographer was showing us! I just smiled and nodded, and when she was getting excited telling everyone about the scan, and showing off the picture, I just smiled and nodded, again… But the second one. Now that was a different matter. There was most definitely a baby in there, no alien like creature! I could see the arms and legs, a face… That was my baby.  I put my hands up. As I squeezed her hand, my eyes might have been a bit moist. Proud daddy to be, showed that picture off to everyone!
She told me about the movements, but to be honest, I felt a little left out. I couldn’t see or feel anything, at first, when my hand was placed over the bump. I just smiled, and nodded. Yes, again! But there came a time when I could feel it. My, that baby had some kick! A future footy player for sure! And laying there at night, while she was complaining about her distended belly, and stretch marks…(what are they, anyway?!) I saw a ripple… I saw baby move!!! Inside her belly, I saw my baby move!!!
The day came…
Oh God, its really hurting her! I dont know what to do, to make it any better for her! Music, oils, back rubs, bouncy balls.. Those antenatal classes were rubbish! Can’t they just give her something for the pain? And maybe me too… She’s digging her nails into my hand so deep, but I can’t risk mentioning it… Every time I catch her eye, she looks at me like I’m the devil, and she curses me for putting her in this excruciating position!!! But she calms down when the contraction is done.
The doctor said the baby’s crowning… What? Oh, you mean it’s coming???!!! Oh dear God! Jeez!! What do I do??!?
Push!!!!!!!!!!
Aaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhh!!!
Oh My God!!!
I’m a Dad!!!!!
Cut the cord, I did. I’m so connected with my baby, a true 21st century dad!
He.
Didn’t I say? It’s a boy! Anyway, he’s a hungry little thing, feeding from mummy… He seems to have been doing a lot of that… I thought babies slept more… This one seems to be permanently attached to my former fun bags, sorry I mean to my wife’s breast!
A few days later…
What do you mean ‘sleep like a baby’??? Thank God for paternity leave, is all I can say!!! He cries all night, and whenever I go in for a cuddle with her, he seems to know… Son, I love you, but I love my wife, that’s your mum, too!!
She’s exhausted, bless her. The nights are hard, I don’t have boobs, and expressing didn’t work… I try to do the winding, heck I’ve even changed disgusting nappies! But he only settles with her…
Back to work…
Wow, even the commuter train feels like bliss… No crying baby, no nappies, other human contact. I mean with people who talk about usual things, not just the next feed, the colour of his poo, and all things baby related… I love my son, but he’s hard work!!! I’m sure I wasn’t like that, I must ask my mum…
It was a long day, but I actually feel refreshed! Back home to wife and son, and the baby life…
Oh, and can I say, babe, your belly, and those stretch marks you keep on going on about? They don’t matter… Think of them as a trophy… After all, you just completed a pretty mean feat!

You know, I can appreciate a father can feel quite the outsider in the early months of being a parent. Physically, there is nothing you can do to change that, but in those few months, just some support, the offer of a cup of tea, taking baby for a walk, giving new mum a chance for a long soak, or just a little break… Those little things help, and remember, especially for a new mum, it’s such a wrench from their former life… Everyone needs to adjust, and for her sanity, she needs time with other adults. Similarly, new mummies, don’t shut daddy out. He can’t do some things, but there is a lot he can do to help!!
You’re in it together, after all… 🙂