But I Smile Anyway…

Motherhood is a really special thing.  It’s also damn hard work too…

We are expected to be perfect mothers all the time, but it’s just not possible.

We all have those split second moments when we almost wish them away, for some peace and quiet.

Yes, it’s true, we ALL have those moments.

I don’t think I have met one mother who truly hasn’t had that thought at least once during her motherhood stint.  Of course, I don’t mean that you wish you had never had them, we love our children dearly, but as I said before, it is hard work…

With that in mind, I wrote something, it’s fictional, but I can relate to most of it, and have experienced similar emotions during my 14-year journey to become, and be a mother…

I sit and stare out of the window, trying hard to ignore the voice calling me. It seems never ending. No one told me it would be easy, but still, come on… 24 hours a day??!! Jeez! Give a girl a break!

“Mummy!!! I NEEEEED you!”

“Mummy!!! I’m HUNGREEEEEEEEY!”

“Mummy, I fell over!”

“Mummy!!!!”

It had been a long wait, a long time coming, this motherhood malarkey… Others always made it look so easy, you know, “Hey, we’re trying for a baby!”, or “Oh look, first time round, we got the test results we were hoping for!” or the “Well, we weren’t even trying, you know, I mean it’s only been 3 months since [insert any child’s name} was born… I’m just so fertile!”

But it isn’t really that easy, well I know we didn’t find it easy… and every month, seeing that awful one line on the tests that I had stock piled, rather than 2, was the most heart breaking time of my life. Why me? I had wanted to be a mum since I was a child myself. I knew that one day, that would be my forte in life, to be the BEST MUM EVER!!!!! But they forgot to send me the memo, that my body was crap, it wasn’t working like everyone else’s, and that I would have to endure so much heartache to eventually get where we are now.

4 years… 4 years of tests, injections, medications, false hopes, disappointments, then finally that positive was in my hand… And this was one that stuck. I was going to become a mother!

The cautious way we progressed through this pregnancy… I read all the books, took every precaution that we were advised to, and it was smooth sailing. The Big Dude, up there, must have felt some pity on me, with all the struggles we had been through, and he allowed me to have an almost textbook pregnancy.

The day came when our little miracle arrived, and boy did she arrive! 2 weeks early, but with a set of lungs on her! Wow! How did something so tiny manage to be so loud??? Still, this was our little lady, our baby, that we had been waiting for all this time, and she was perfect!

Fast forward 2 months…

It’s hard work, this being a mummy! He hasn’t got the boobs, so he can’t even feed her, and he is going to work in the mornings, so the night shift is well and truly mine… Then he goes off, leaving me with little Lady Lungs, who well and truly lets me know that she want attention… 24 hours a day! But hey, this is what being a mum is all about, right?

Another 6 months on…

She’s sitting! She’s eating! She’s not eating…She’s teething! She’s adorable! She’s crying again… What have I done wrong now? What did I do in my last life to get a baby that cries so much? I’m pretty sure none of the other babies at the baby groups we go to cry quite so much…. Five minutes, please, just five minutes… oh, and a whole night’s sleep would be good too….

3 years later…

I can’t believe she will be starting nursery soon… my little Princess, growing up so fast! Thank goodness I was able to be here with her all this time, and daddy had a job that allowed me to stay at home with her. But, if only she played nicely, without constantly calling me… oh, to have a cup of tea, still hot… Oh, and she still won’t sleep through alone… it is so hard… To have those few hours peace a day… I’m really looking forward to ‘me’ time!

A couple of months down the line…

Why didn’t she cry? I left her at nursery for the first time, and she didn’t cling to me, she wasn’t bothered at all! Why not? I have given all of my being, the last nearly 4 years of my life to her, and not one tear today… What? Did she use them all up, crying at me all the time before then??

Then she came back all smiles, with a ‘drawing’ of me… its beautiful… guess what, it’s me who’s crying now!