But I Smile Anyway…

One from the Archives…

Which One?

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Your first pregnancy… It’s a pretty amazing time! The new sensations and feelings you are experiencing for the first time, choosing buggies, cots, bouncers, monitors… And naturally, you end up joining the whole Breast Vs. Bottle debate.

Casting my mind back 10 years, that was me.  It was all being shoved in my face by the midwives, the magazines, the experts…

Breast is BEST!

So I guess that was decided. I would be an all natural breast feeding Earth Momma, giving my new baby all the nutrition and goodness that he needs from my own body. Cool! No need to worry about bottles and sterilisers just yet! (One of the gifts I was given was a complete bottle feeding kit, from my parents, steriliser, bottles pump and all, but hey, I didn’t need that!)

The time came, and Lil Man made an appearance. I was stunned into silence by this little bundle…and I don’t do silent very often! The first thing, after skin to skin contact, was getting him latched on. Ok, no problem… Except OUCH!! Painful!! But no, I can stand the pain, after all I’m giving him everything he needs!

Over the first week we had the usual first time struggles, he was whinging constantly, seemed hungry, he’d latch on, be satisfied for a short while, then start again. He was a healthy 7lb 1oz at birth, considering he was 3 weeks early, but he dropped a whole lb. Most babies put that back on, plus more within a couple of days, but he dropped to 6lb 1oz, and it took him 2-3 weeks to get back to birth weight.

I suffered the whole engorged boobie thing too, and sat with savoy cabbage leaves in my bra cups to relieve the painful hardness and FYI, it works!

I would ask my midwife, and health visitor whether I was doing ok, I mean he was tiny, did I need to do anything else? Was I giving him enough? Did he maybe need a bottle? All I got was a bunch of horrified looks, and exclamations that I was doing the best thing by breastfeeding.

One day, when he was around 4 weeks old, I got really worked up. He had been up, on and off all night, and I was feeding then he wouldn’t wind properly, and then cry more, latch on again, and it was a vicious cycle. It got to the stage where I was in tears, and I knocked on my mother in laws bedroom door. She quickly took him from me, it was around 4am and I looked wretched. She had heard how unsettled he was, and she sat rubbing his back for ages, until he burped a huge burp, and all the milk he had consumed came out too. I cried… Oh how I cried…

So in one of my new mum packs was a phone number for a La Leche councillor, who was local to me. La Leche was a pro Breastfeeding group, available for support at any time, for new mums. I called and spoke to a lovely lady, who suggested I try to use a breastpump, and see what was coming out. And to judge it from there, as to whether I wanted to, maybe introduce a bottle too.

So I sat, with this pump thing, attached to my boob, pumping away, and 30 minutes I had managed to collect… 1oz of milk, if that. I was distraught! Was this all my Lil Man had been getting the last 4 weeks? No wonder he wasn’t putting on any weight! The first thing I did was make a bottle of formula. Sod the experts!

And as he fed from that first bottle, I cried. He guzzled the milk like he had never received anything before. Had I been depriving him? All at the say so of the health visitors? It was from that day that I decided to throw in the towel, breastfeeding wise, and give him a bottle. He never reached the average weights, in fact he is still little now.

I later found out that both my mum and mother in law never breastfed any of us children, in fact when we were born, it was cited that bottle is better, and more convenient!

It was a different story with Lil Princess. I didn’t want my first experience to colour my next newborn adventure, and I can happily say that this time round, I was like Daisy the cow! She was breastfed, completely until 6 months old, then I carried on until she was 9 months old, alongside solids.

I was able to stock up my fridge with breast milk bottles too, proud of the fact I could feed and pump simultaneously! She was a healthy 8lb 6oz at birth, 5 days earlier than expected, and she was always happily average size and weight throughout.

Which brings me back to my title… Breast is best…is it? I beg to differ… It might be good for some, but not for everyone, and nowadays, the pressure of doing what is ‘right’ can mean you aren’t encouraged to look at your child’s actual needs. Had I had a midwife, or health visitor, who was actually sympathetic to mine, and my baby’s needs, maybe I would have tried a bottle sooner.  Maybe he would have put more weight on, possibly he would be bigger than he is now. Is it my fault he feels inadequate, size wise nowadays?

These questions go round my minds lot, when I see his upset at being the smallest in his class. I tried my best, but could I have done better?