Tweenage Tidbits -Dry Humping and Pre-Marital Sex #TheBirdsAndTheBees #TidbitTuesday

You must have known this post was coming.

After announcing that we had, as parents, received that letter, this post was inevitable.

Lil Princess has finally started her PSHE topic for this term, namely Sex Ed!

Of course, she knew all about it, apparently!

But it has sparked plenty of girl to girl chats between us.

She tells me they’ve had another embarrassing chat every time the subject is covered.

So, they’ve covered anatomy, inside and out. And that in itself has caused plenty of giggles.

She’s learned about what puberty means for both a girl and a boy, and is obsessed with working out what an Adam’s Apple is!

She’s desperately searching for changes in herself, almost wishing it to happen now!

But today was funny.

“Oh mummy, we had to watch a video today. Like, I saw how they make a baby! My teacher said it’s enjoyable! Ew!”

Er, what?

I’m not sure that should be part of the conversation!

A little later, she mentioned the video again. “So like they were just there, like, doing it. All of a sudden, they were dry humping-”

Wait, what? You are ten years old girl, what do you know about dry humping, or humping, in fact?

“I don’t know,” she said, “One of my friends whispered to me that that was what they were doing!”

So, do I correct her, and explain the difference between dry, and usual humping?

We had a little conversation…

Then she explained her teacher’s comment about enjoying ‘it’ too.

“Well mummy, he said that it had to be an enjoyable thing, otherwise the human race would be extinct!”

True dat.

“Anyway,” she continued, “I don’t know how he knows anyway, it’s not like he’s married yet or anything…”

Still a little innocent regarding pre-marital sex, and that is something I shan’t correct, just yet… She’s still my baby after all!

The Birds and the Bees: Round 2! #MondayBlogs

A few short years ago I wrote some posts about the joys of Lil Man having those talks at school.

If you missed them, I highly recommend a click here, here and here for a giggle! Oh, and a guest post here! I can pretty much guarantee you won’t be disappointed!

Well, now the time has come…

We got the letter informing us that our Year Five daughter would be embarking on her very own Sex Ed journey this coming term.

Now, I know the girl is rather knowledgeable already, after a very interesting shopping trip we shared last year… I shan’t repeat myself, but if you read here, you can see all the stuff she already knows (apparently!).

But yeah, the real, official time has come for her to learn of periods and puberty, sex, and the real differences between her and her male classmates!


Kids are just so advanced nowadays, and I have to say, after going through this with my male child already, girls are miles ahead of the boys in what they seem to know even at the tender age of ten!

Lil Man was a true innocent. Even at twelve, he thinks girls stink, but then again, he flushes if we tease him about girlfriends!

Lil Princess, has the swagger, the looks… you know, that mature way of acting. She’s already cottoned on to the fact that there are things a girl can do to get what she wants. She’s also already encountered the awful b*tchiness that even young females seem to have running through their veins… is it a girl thing?

She is fully aware of the inappropriate act you have to perform to produce babies.

We’ve discussed the monthly situation, not least because she is maturing. physically, quite fast, and I feel she may end up experiencing hers much earlier than I had.

My PCOS, which wasn’t even diagnosed until I was in my mid-twenties, meant I had an awful cycle and I never really experienced, PMT, bad skin, belly aches…

She’s hormonal already…

I want her to be totally comfortable talking to me about any worries she has.

Then there is the whole social aspect, talking about relationships, love and cultural expectations.

We are quite open in this house (well, I am, Hubby Dearest can find this whole topic a tad embarrassing!), and we can have quite interesting conversations about all sorts of situations, including relationships and sex, to an extent.

I think that will be the part of her education that will spark some debates…

But, as it stands, apparently she knows everything already. They talk about it in the playground… (Don’t worry, I have told her the real facts, I promise!)… but I tell you what, I don’t envy her teachers!

I can wipe snotty noses and butts, but I could not stand in front of a class of 30 ten-year-olds and discuss the facts of life!

I’ll keep you posted on the knowledge she imparts!

Until then, I must be off, ready to start term 5!

Have a great week, Peeps!


Dirty Thoughts #ThursdayThoughts

Just taking a break from my writing frenzy… almost 8,000 words in the last three days!

I’ve been reading parts of the manuscript out loud to my kids, but not all.

You see, there is … Shhhhh!…  S.E.X. in it! And a little other hanky-panky of varying degrees of naughtiness!

As I was censoring bits and reading it out, it got me thinking…

Why do the people of the country that produced the Kama Sutra, the country with the second largest population in the world (so someone must enjoy doing it!), and predicted to have the largest by 2050, still have such a stigma about S.E.X.? 

Whenever there is a scene on the telly that involves kissing, let alone S.E.X., the ‘telly changer’ is sought, to change the channel, or everyone is suddenly busy rustling papers or having an urgent conversation in another room?

If the latest Bollywood film shows a scantily clad heroine or a couple in a clinch, why is there always going to be people muttering about how they can’t understand how this ‘filth’ can be called entertainment?

Why, are problems of a sexual nature always hidden?

Sexuality, if not the preferred norm, swept under a carpet, never to be acknowledged?

Sure, I don’t want to go into the ins and outs (pun not intended!) of S.E.X. with my kids just yet. I don’t want to glorify it. They are only 10 and 12. But they know what it is. I just don’t want them to hear my descriptions (it’s not that graphic, honestly, but still, reading about naughty stuff to your kids? Sign me up for the Bad Momma Award right now!) just yet. They aren’t afraid to ask questions about sexuality either and I hope that by being open with them, if they were ever worried about ANYTHING, they felt they could come to us? (After all, I am the cool Flossing mum!)

But when something like S.E.X. becomes taboo, isn’t that the time we end up with other issues? It’s the thing that everyone wants to try, but isn’t allowed to, until marriage. And when you put these kinds of restrictions on anything, much like drink and drugs, don’t these same restrictions push certain youngsters to go behind backs and do things anyway? Is this not where you get more teenage binge drinking, rape, and forced S.E.X.?

Sure, there were plenty of sudden coughs and needing to get a drink when the smoochy scenes were on the screen in our house when I was growing up, but we still were able to talk to our parents. My brother, being a boarding school boy, was even more open about things, and as a result, it meant we became a family who didn’t hide things.

When I went to university, I didn’t find excuses to tell my parents when I was out for the night, and when the time came, I told them about my boyfriend, who later became my Hubby Dearest.

Okay, so I’m not going to discuss my bedroom gymnastics with my Pops and Mum, but I know If the need arose, I could. And after all, as my Pops said to my brother many years ago, when he asked if they still, you know, did IT… “We are human you know!”

Yes, they are… but that’s one image I can do without in my mind!

Anyway, here ends my rambling on my thought for the day!

I love our oldies!

They are the most important people in your life for so many years, you almost idolise them, they can do no wrong.


Then you get older and realise that, much as you love them to bits, they are human too, their behaviour can be annoying, or comical even, things they say make you howl with laughter, even though they don’t understand why you are giggling.

A comment I made on a fellow blogger, the Cornfed Contessa‘s post this morning, brought some funny stories flooding back.

I’ll start with the one I recounted earlier.

1) Why wont it work?

We visited family, and after a ‘little’ tipple (she’s not a drinker at all usually!) my mum and aunt were washing dishes. They were finding it really hard to get the washing up liquid to froth up. Anyhow, the next morning, mum woke with a thumping headache (hangover anyone?!). My aunt called to see how she was. She explained the reason for the headache ( my cousin thought it would be a giggle to double up the measure of spirits in their drinks!) and they had been washing up with hand lotion instead of washing up liquid!

2) Tummy Drumming

As I said above, she is not really a drinker, neither is my Pops, but for whatever reason, every couple of years, they would have this company come visit, and would taste wine, and select a few bottles to buy (I’m still not sure why, but they did!)  My brother, younger than me, loved the opportunity to ‘taste’ the wine too, but I was never that keen. Any way, sometimes at Christmas, they would open a bottle to share at dinner, and one time, I think it was stronger than they had anticipated, as by late afternoon, my mum was laying across the sofa, head on Pops’ belly, and gently drumming on his belly, giggling at the sound it made… oh it made us laugh, watching them!

3) Easy Access

Now my darling brother is a bit naughty, and he hasn’t stopped as he has got older.  He used to go to a boarding school, and at his holidays and exeats (weekends home) he would bring his trunk full of washing home for mum to sort out.  As he got older his style of underpants changed and he started to wear the Calvin Klein type boxers, fitted and snug etc.  Pops was a devout y-fronter!  As she ironed them (yes even our underpants were ironed, and to this day, I can’t stop doing ours either!) she admired them and said “Hmm, these look nice, I might get some for your dad…”   “Easy access, innit mum!” my brother piped up and mum, in a world of her own answered “Yes.” before realising what he had said and the implication of her answer!  Cue red face and a scolded brother, who was still laughing!

4) The Silent Finger

He is the paragon of peace, Mr Cool Calm and Collected, my Pops. I had never heard him use a bad word, in English or Punjabi, well not in front of us kids anyway.  But I guess even peaceful people have their limits!  Pops used to drive us everywhere, in fact he still does when he gets the chance. When he was younger, he would speed around and then as he realised that speed meant higher fuel costs, so he slowed right down, being Mr Sensible Driver (unless he really needed to press the accelerator to get somewhere fast!)  One night, we were coming home from some function or another, and he was going sedately in the middle lane, minding his own business. after a while it became apparent that a person behind him was tail-gating, and then whenever he moved to give way, the driver went right behind him again. After 20 minutes of to-ing and frow-ing, Pops got fed up and quickly looked at the back seat. seeing we were asleep, (but I wasn’t!) he quickly gave the tail-gater, the middle finger, stepped down on that accelerator and lost the twit behind!  I had to giggle, and he realised he had been caught. He shrugged, and just said, make sure you never do that!

5) We are human you know…

This has to be one of my favourite stories!  Now as I said, my brother was a boarding school boy, and as he hit 6th form and A-levels, he was an attractive young man, with his own fair share of admirers.  He used to play county level cricket and hockey, so Pops would ferry him around on weekends, around the country, to various matches.  One evening, as they headed back, my brother, who hated to hide anything from our parents, decided to tell Pops about a girl he had started seeing. She wasn’t Indian, but an English girl, a fellow pupil at his school.  Instead of getting angry, my Pops, who is peace personified, just said to my brother to remember that he should not disrespect her, to keep in his mind that she was someone’s daughter, someone’ s sister, and to treat her how he would want his own sister to be treated by a boy, and if he was to want to go that step further, to do the horizontal tango, to make sure he always used protection.  Once this hurdle was crossed, my brother felt a bit more, comfortable, shall we say, discussing bedtime antics.  “Pops,” he began, “so, do you and mum still, you know…” nudge, nudge, wink, wink!   (at this stage of my brother recounting this conversation, I was blushing myself, did I really want to hear the answer?!) Pops, driving, gave a quick sideways glance at my brother and said “We are human, you know.” and smiled, then continued on their journey!

Like I said, I love our oldies, they really make us laugh!  Wouldn’t change em for anything!

Tidbit Tuesday – Coitus Interruptus – shout out to all you parents!

Mums (and dads) out there, you all know what I’m talking about…

Lights finally turned down low, you might have even prepared in advance with a fresh shave, new lingerie… Or more likely, you’ve realised that tonight, you actually have a soupçon of energy left, after a busy day of mum chores, and well, it’s about time you gave your man access to his marital rights… It’s been so long, you’re not actually sure things are still working down there, so time to check it out.

You give your partner the sign, the nudge, to let him know you are ready, willing and able, and hopefully he’s not already fallen asleep, used to the reccurent knock backs!

Ok, so now it’s time to get the party started! You kiss like teens, and get ready for the Main Event. And it’s all systems go!

Oh you forgot how good this feels! There, right there! Yes! That’s it, a little more!

And then it happens. You know what I mean. That little creak, that far too familiar sound of a certain bedroom door opening and closing, and footsteps. You have timed this before, so fast as lightning, you pull apart, clothes restored, and that caring voice comes into play… “Aw sweetie! What’s the matter? Bad dream? Let’s tuck you up again.”

Peace and tranquility restored. You go back to the Main Event, hoping to finish what you started. You know you’re on a time limit so, fast as lightning you get back to getting jiggy, hoping to reach the climax you require, before any more interruptions. Sometimes it happens, and all is well, you are both sated, and a further uninterrupted night follows. Or other other happens… Your midnight visitor comes back… Twofold this time because the other one woke up too!

“Mummy, Daddy, I can’t sleep, I keep on hearing noises… There’s a ghost moaning in the house!” ( note to self, silent sex is a much better idea when kids are in the house!)

Defeatedly you throw open the covers of your bed, resigned to no more action that night…

But can I just say, a much more scary notion now… One child has had The Talk at school, and kinda knows what it’s all about! Can you imagine him/her computing this situation, with a whole load of new information to colour his thoughts! No no no!!!

I shall sign out here on this Tidbit Tuesday, and let you ponder on these thoughts….

But a tip… If you want an uninterrupted night of passion…. Get rid of the kids!  Send the kids to their grandparents for the night! Though saying that, often, when this does happen, I’m asleep before I know it, grateful for the chance of a full night’s uninterrupted sleep!!!! Poor Hubby Dearest!!!!

My interactive peeps!

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